The day I found out...

So, it was Tuesday 27th November 2001 - my little girls 2nd birthday.  I was expecting a visitor - a community paediatrician was coming out to see me and the girlies.  Molly and Rosie had been seeing the consultant paediatrician at our local hospital, and had asked if it would be easier if someone came up to my house to see me instead.  Given the double buggy etc, I thought it was a great idea.  The Dr came to the house, I remember when he heard my dog (a very small Yorkie barking), he ran back to his car.  Now, to a dog-lover, this seems funny at the best of times, but for a small dog 9a dog smaller than a small cat), it was nothing short of hilarios to me (forgive me anyone out there who has a fear of dogs - it'd be boring if we were all the same no??).  So, after the doggie was duly locked in the kitchen, he came in.  The next hour felt like some sort of 'spot lamp' question session, about when each of my girls first smiled, first made eye contact, first took anything other than milk, first solids, first held my figer (grasped), first lifted an object.......and you know, I just kept thinking to myself "what a crap Mum I am, I can't remember exactly when these things happened".  Looking back, honestly, who would?!?  You're that busy doing what needs to be done for twins, and my Son was only 3 - I had my hands full.  I did well to know what day of the week it was!   So, brow furrowed, trying to think of even roughly when these things happened, feeling stressed as he kept saying "ok, we'll come back to that one" - the 'go back to' list must have been about a dozen long, and when I thought I remembered one event, I tried to give him that date, and he would think I was giving him the answer to the questions he just asked........... I guess if it was on film, it would be funny.  Then, in the middle of me trying to explain what question I was answering and for which of my girls, my Sister arrived.

My dog came bolting from the kitchen when Eileen opened to come in (she didn't realise I had a visitor as he had parked outside my neighbours), straight into the living room, and the next thing I knew, the Doctor was almost standing on the window sill !!! He was absolutely petrified!  Anyway, that started the girls crying, so between the dog barking, the girls crying, the Doctor shouting (get the dog away!) and my Sister shouting 'where are you?'........well, you get the picture.

So, one might think, yeah yeah, where is all of this going.  Well, after Sister had left, dog locked away again, girls soothed with dummies, and the Dr calmed down......we got back to 50 questions.  But, B U T, he mentioned Cerebral Palsy while my brain was trying to remember what question my Mum brain didn't know the answer to.  He kept talking, my brain had paused........"erm, Doctor, sorry for interrupting you, but you mentioned Cerebral Palsy a minute ago........was that in context with Molly?  I've heard that name, but not sure what it is."  And honestly, if a bubble could have came out of his head it was .....  "Oh No!  Nobody has told her"  Well, I just remember sitting there, listening to him, but watching his mouth, then looking at Molly, looking at his mouth - anything but his eyes, as I thought at any second I was just going to burst into tears.  To be fair to him, he really took his time and explained it really well, but do any of us truly capture/understand everything at a moment like that?  He was there another half hour, no more questions came forth.  He asked me numerous times if there was anything else I needed to know....and eventually he left.

I walked back in after closing the front door, walked into the living room - Molly was sleeping and Rosie was just content smiling.  I walked over to the couch and sat down.  I phoned the Physio who had been looking after Molly, as I was sure there must be a mistake as no-one had ever said anything to me about CP.  The Physio again was really good - she would have had numerous things going on, but I had started to bubble, and she took the time to talk and try to explain that there are no 'tests' as such, and it's difficult to diagnose a child as having CP.....especially too early.  By the time I let her go, I was covered in 'yuk' as I was crying and sobbing and well, just devastated.  My world had just fallen apart - because I knew my little girl was going to have difficulties.  The words I remember from that day were "..it's not something there is a cure for, it's irreversable....but it won't get any worse".  That didn't fill me with comfort as we still didn't fully understand what the damage was yet as she was still too small.

In the space of a few hours, when I think about how much I cried....how much fluid I lost, it's a wonder I just didn't collapse.  Sound like a drama queen don't I?  But it wasn't put on for anyone...I'm just sharing my memories - of how utterly exhausted I felt.  But you know.....I kept thinking about just how completely and utterly devasted my (now ex) husband was going to be when I told him.  And you know what....I just couldn't, simply couldn't think how I was going to tell him without ripping his world apart.  About 10mins before he came home, I ran upstairs, put makeup on (to hide my swollen lids), and came down again just as he walked in the door.  I could not find it in my heart to tell him....it was a long agonising evening....at any second I could have catapulted into tears, but I didn't as I was desperately trying to think how I could tell him.  He would just curl up and cry.  And then (and I know there are folks out there who will say this was wrong, I had no right....etc etc), I decided to tell him on Friday evening, when he would have the weekend to deal with it. 

So...........that Friday, I decided not to tell him before Xmas, it would ruin it for him, and in the mean time I could get info, ask questions, do all that stuff so I had some facts and answers for him.  We got through Xmas, and New Year....we always went away the 2nd week in January.  This was the right time - he was off work, and couldn't drive madly to the hospital demanding answers - we were too far away.  I took my time and explained everything to him.  It was really really hard to comprehend it all....fears just start to grow...the unanswered questions.  But at least we both understood what was causing the 'differences' between Molly and Rosie now.

January.........I was at a fund raiser for the local school - a Burn's Supper in the Church Hall - helping out in the kitchen...  I still remember just telling my story to this lady who was in the kitchen with me, hardly knew her, but she had (still does) have a warm and open face.  I'll call her Margaret McB (don't want to call her her full name in case it's not something she would want, but I do want her to know, if she reads this, what a pivotal role she played in my life).  She listened, and I sooooo needed someone to listen, just listen....while I told my story and made it 'normal', not a secret.  Margaret told me all about Craighalbert that night....... and there it was, something positive to do about it all - not just sit and wait to see how things would unfold.  I can never thank her enough - the timing was perfect, and that she just let me babble it all out, while there was music going full blast and folks were dancing and having fun.  You know how sometimes you just have the good fortune to meet someone who has an angel inside them?  That's Margaret.  I can't say too much about her, as I wouldn't want to do the wrong thing......but this woman, along with her lovely husband, have helped SO MANY children.  God's smiling at you every day M & J - all of his little children you've given a life to.

Anyway..........while I wipe away tears remembering all this.............that was how I found out Molly had CP, and how I found out about Craighalbert.  I hope other people can understand that it can rock your world......but I have other stories to tell that make my little girls lives seem like a fairy tale.