Opens with newsreader:

The narrator:

The Scottish Government has today announced a new “Who cares, we dae” strategy. It comes in response to opposition claims that free personal care for an increasing elderly population will bankrupt the country. The matter was highlighted recently when a leading newspaper investigated claims that some of the population were in fact taking specialist legal and financial advice in their early 50s to ensure that there was heehaw left in their bank accounts to pay for anything. Hamish McGrabbish had this to say…

Cut to spokesperson:

Ladies and Gentlemen I am frankly disgusted at the manner in which the opposition parties have used an issue like free care for the elderly in this way. Their tactics are frankly that of the scaremonger. Trying to frighten elderly people into believing that this Government is going to rob them of their hard earned savings is frankly appalling. We believe that elderly people in this country should not have to pay to be cared for. They are entitled to be looked after, respected and listened to. I meet these people all the time and they tell me, time and again, that they want to be in their own homes where possible, but that if they have to move it should be somewhere where they matter. They don’t want a succession of different carers coming in and out their homes. They want to know who’s looking after them and they need to know we’ve listened. The opposition claim we are naive, that the services we want to provide will bankrupt this country. We know there are difficult days ahead and yes we are looking at ways of ensuring our fiscal future. But any decisions affecting money will have no impact on the quality of the care we provide in this country. Why is that? Because WE CARE. SCOTLAND CARES. FAMILIES CARE. WE ARE A PROUD NATION AND WE WILL DO WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE SURE OUR FAMILIES GET THE CARE THEY NEED. WHO CARES – WE DAE!

(Voice from audience):

Minister is it true you’re closing down all the care homes for the elderly?

AB SAW LUTELY NOT. There will of course be changes but stopping all new applicants to care homes and looking at closing homes where there is no need is ABSOLUTELY NOT Closing All Care Homes. We will shortly be issuing new guidelines on the matter. But I must re-iterate in the strongest possible way my anger at the way the opposition party have questioned the integrity, the decency and the love of the Scottish people for their elderly. We love our families and we will do whatever it takes to keep them happy.

Back to newsreader:

The Notwithmytaxespal consortium has also been highly critical of the manner in which public money is being spent. They feel that free personal care is only the tip of, what they call the nanny state iceberg. Jean Getagrip spoke with us earlier

Narrator:

Mrs Getagrip, why are you unhappy with the Government?

Mrs Getagrip:

Free elderly care is just the tip of the iceberg. What we want is for the Scottish Government and the Westminster Government to be honest and tell us the real cost of the nanny state. Do people in this country really think we should all pay for families who have known they are going to get old and need help but who have done nothing to prepare for it. This idea of all the people paying for the few who haven’t planned is ridiculous. And it’s not just them is it, do you know how much we give to people? If it’s not their elderly parents it’s their kids. Why should I pay for other people’s children and parents? People have to take responsibility for their own families.

Narrator:

What would you say to the Government and to the families who may be affected by any change in free personal care?

Mrs Getagrip:

Wake up and smell the coffee. Responsible, reasonable savers like me should not have to subsidise the lazy and irresponsible. People need to plan for their future.

Narrator:

And have your parents planned for their future Mrs Getagrip?

Mrs Getagrip:

Yes they have!

Narrator:

We’re going to have to leave it there but thank you.

Newsreader:

That was Mrs Getagrip from the Notwithmytaxespal consortium speaking with us earlier.

1 week later

Newsreader:

The Scottish Government has today issued their highly controversial and anticipated Report on the Cost of Care in Scotland. The 150 page document has been described by critics as the most damaging piece of work in modern times. The key points include:-

• No further admissions to care homes
• Care homes to begin a process of re-integration of elderly people back into the community and family homes
• The immediate closure of all convalescence units
• All after school clubs, breakfast clubs and clubs within schools are now no longer eligible for any form of subsidy
• All residential school trips are not to be subsidised in any way

Fades away, cuts to someone’s hall, a telephone is ringing…

Mrs Wummin:

Hello

Care home manager:

Hello Mrs Wummin, this is Jeanie Blogs from Happy Days Care Home here. I justwondered if you were going to be in this evening and what time?

Mrs Wummin:

I’m in for the night now, why?

Care Home Manager:

Oh that’s perfect, we’ll have your mum brought over about 5, be in time for her tea then. And don’t worry about the bus costs, it’s on us…

Mrs Wummin interrupts:

What are you talking about? My mum isn’t coming here, I checked with my MSP and he said you weren’t closing down. What’s going on here?

Care Home Manager:

Mrs Wummin, I appreciate how you feel, you have my full support and respect. I don’t want to close down; we’re not closing down –yet! This is only for the holidays. Your mum will be collected after Easter. My hands are tied Mrs Wummin. And be positive your children get to see their Nan for the whole of Easter. And Mrs Wummin I want you to know, I think that people like you, with parents, are amazing.

1 month later

Newsreader:

The Scottish Government has just announced a major change in benefits. We’ll go straight to Holyrood where our political correspondent Jimmy Whatsthepoint can explain it all to us in wee-er words.

Jimmy Whatsthepoint:

Well this is an extraordinary situation here. As you may know, but I doubt it, the responsibility for Benefits lies with Westminster. The Scottish Government has argued for some time that they should have responsibility for them and now with this incredible move they have. Here’s what Hamish McGrabbish had to say…

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is a wonderful day for Scotland and its people. Once again we have shown that this Government listens; this Government cares and this Government gets stuff done. We all know what trickery and deceit have been on display since our ground-breaking changes in the Care System. And there was trickery. We said elderly people would not have to pay for their care and that is right – they don’t. We don’t expect them to pay their own families for looking after them. We know people care, we know they want the best for the mammies and daddies, and we know the best place for them is in the hub of the family. We undertook expensive, sorry slip of the tongue – extensive research into this matter. We looked at countries where families remained together, under one roof and let me tell you we liked what we saw. But we know this can cause a bit of a problem financially. You told us this and today we give you the solution. For the first time ever a devolved Government will have responsibility for all Benefits related to Care. There have been many in the opposition parties who have accused us of cutting Services to save money. Well that’s just mince. We have amended Carer’s Allowance to take into account those elderly people who are not disabled but need a lot of help. And for those of you who are over 65 and looking after your long-living parents we today announce that you will be eligible for Carers Allowance even if your pension is more than the £53.10 you will get!

One week later – Local Councillor’s Surgery

Councillor Ono Noheragain:

Well hello Mrs Getagrip, how lovely to see you again. Oh and with your entire family, that’s er lovely, and how can I help you this time?

Mrs Getagrip:

Don’t you patronise me you smarmy wee swine. It’s not lovely, not lovely at all. Mother will you stop wittering on in my ear, just turn your hearing aid on! Amelia, sit still! Do you see this, look at me! I had a life you know. I had a job, I was respected, and I was on 4 Boards. We had a lovely home. We had nice holidays, because we were prudent. Now…

Councillor interrupts:

Yes I see you are obviously upset Mrs Getagrip but as you see there are quite a few people waiting to see me too, never had such a large turnout so perhaps you could get a grip and cut to the point?

Mrs Getagrip:

I have had to give up my job. My parents were very happy in their care home; we saw them every other month. How was I to know my mother had been tempted by Cunning wee vixen online bingo and he (pointing at father) bought a pile of crap on EBay. Lost all the savings - so now I am expected to keep them. They’re costing me a fortune, the heating is never off. They set fire to my kitchen twice. My employer told me they “appreciated my position” but they could not be expected to allow me to take time off every time some oldie was sick or burning the hoose down” Yes they actually said “hoose” I ask you what is happening to this country. And it is having a terrible impact on Amelia who should be dancing.

Councillor interrupts:

…because she’s happy to have granny and gramps with her all the time eh?

Mrs Getagrip:

NO, YOU STUPID STUPID MAN (one of 5 police officers in the room moves towards the table) No need officer, I am fine thank you. No – she should be dancing at her club. Wonderful talent Amelia, she has won trophies for that school. She’s a leading light in the Poetry reading. Has Piano and violin lessons, she is so creative. And now... now I receive this... (Slaps paper on table)

Councillor:

O May I have a look? Uhuh, right. Oh my Amelia does attend a lot of clubs doesn’t she? Yes I can see why you’re so proud of her, but what does that have to do with me?

Mrs G:

It’s a Bill! They say they are no longer able to run the clubs at a pound a week and they want £47 a week. What is going on here? I’ve lost my job; I have these two turning my home into a sauna. What are you going to do about this?

Councillor:

Well, as I see it you will now be entitled, as you are unemployed, to the Carers Allowance, which is £53 and ten pence, so you’re still quids in, and there are plans afoot I understand to introduce a new benefit for people like Amelia, for those special wee ones… look out for it – Dancing Lessons Allowance you may qualify. What the… now Mrs Getagrip you know we can’t carry on with the nanny state, this is the true cost of care you know, eh now that’s not nice… officer, officer!

Newsreader:

Police have confirmed there were 42 arrests outside Holyrood today as Demonstrators attended the “You say you care – do you whit” rally in Edinburgh. There were similar scenes throughout Scotland. Following recent assaults on Councillors, MSPs and MPs at local surgeries and meetings the police have recommended the temporary banning of meetings. Meanwhile the Government has announced it will hold an all party meeting to discuss the growing unrest.

One hour later

Newsreader:

We are going straight to Holyrood for a Statement from Nelly Nippy

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with a heavy heart and a genuine tear in my eye that I must announce that my esteemed colleague Hamish McGrabbish has resigned with immediate effect. Hamish, as you know, is a caring gentle man with an intellect as sharp as my tongue. However his determination to drive Scotland forward has driven him round the bend. I today announce that the “who cares, we dae” strategy is suspended. It seems it was all an April fool joke… well come on people, think about it. Who in their right mind would expect anyone to give up their work, their independence, their health and their own needs and rights to look after a family member? I wouldnae, who would?

And my music choice this time… my husband. Singing a song he wrote about and for our amazing girl.